I recently listened to a podcast by Brooke Castillo, (The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo) and she was talking about cognitive dissonance. I've been striving to grow myself intellectually and spiritually this year, and I really loved her thoughts on this. I thought I would appropriate some of my own advice to my clients and how this cognitive dissonance can really mess with the success of your boudoir session.
I'm in the middle of a consultation with a prospective client, and one of the questions I ask each time rattles her to her core. This isn't totally uncommon an experience for me, but it does break my heart and reminds me that my profession is so much more than pictures of women in lingerie.
“What do you love about your body?”
Most women fall silent for a few seconds here, but about once every 10 consultations,
the silence is unbearable and I realize this is going to be so much more important to this client.
She doesn't have one thing that she can think of that she loves about herself.
If the client has already expressed they have a healthy supportive relationship,
I prompt the question a little bit differently... I ask her what they love about her body.
This could backfire if I didn't know that her partner was verbally and emotionally nurturing her,
and I want to empower my clients, and see them for who they wish to be seen as.
If she's single, I ask what others have told her are her best features. (Isn't it silly that we need to hear it from others and still don't recognize it?)
Once in about every 25 consultations... the other line is still silent. This was the case with her.
This just drives it home to me that women deserve and need this in their lives. How many of us have been told we aren't enough?
Sure, men hear things like this as well. My point is that society and other women have created an environment for us to hate ourselves and self love is seen as disgusting.
Why is it crazy to love yourself? Why is it bad to be happy with who you are?
The phone line was still silent. My client was scrambling for some sort of wording through her emotions.
“You see, my mother was never shy to tell me when I gained five pounds here or there and my father molested me.
I'm extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I get dressed in the dark, and sex is near impossible for me, but I know he likes it and I'm trying to get there for him.
He tells me he loves me, and he's a great man. He just hasn't really told me what features he loves about me or if he has,
I filter it out and I really don't know what I love about myself. Through all of this, I developed an eating disorder.
I know I'm not overweight, and people think I'm crazy when I can't see this thing they see, but I just can't.
Rehab was helpful for me, but I just want to feel how your clients feel.
I read their testimonials and I only pray that I can feel that way about myself someday.
I love your personality and how real you are, so I know I want to do this with you. I know this won't fix me, but I think it will be a good start.”
I paused. Dealing with all this trauma would be a lot for anyone. So I paused our consultation.
In order for you to gain what I offer from your boudoir experience with me, I need you to be emotionally ready, not just physically ready for this experience.
I cannot give you the best experience if you're holding emotional baggage of self hate and loathing.
You'll ultimately hate the images of yourself, even if they were the best images ever.
Now, sure, we all have our body images issues, but there are times that you can tell a person has opened up to you about their past traumas
and I'm not in business to add to that. My job is to empower and be sure that my clients feel safe in our space.
When I continued this consultation, I needed to have an honest conversation with her about her dreams for this session and what she hopes to get out it.
I already know my goals for her, but I needed for her to have a clear understanding of what I offer, and how I can best assist her.
I told her I would love to help her, and I would be honored for her to be my client, but tonight I wanted her to talk to her partner and ask him this question.
"What do you love about my body?"
I wanted her to hear it, and then I wanted her to write this on some post it notes and put them in her bathroom sink or her closet.
I need these to be somewhere she sees them, daily. When she goes to show her most intimate part to her partner, I want these words to come to her mind.
Then I asked her to tell him what she loved about him, because that's a true partnership.
We would continue her consultation a few days later, when it was best for her.
The next day, I received an email.
“Melissa, Thank you so much for making me pause and reflect on my most loved features. He told me he loves my butt, and that makes sense because he's always putting his hand in my back pocket, and grabbing it at every chance he gets. He loves my lips because they're full but not so full and he says the color accents my skin as well. He loves my hair, which is why he doesn't care how I wear it, and has never asked me to change anything I do to it. Then he told me he loves how I ask him if he needs anything from the kitchen before I go to bed, because he knows we both love to eat right before bed. He told me he loves the mother I am to our children and how I don't need anything fancy and I find so much joy in the littlest things. All of this had eluded me before I asked him. Then I told him what I loved about him as well, and this really opened up an amazing conversation that I didn't realize I was missing out on in the first place.”
This conversation is so important. I'm not a marriage counselor,
but I know how so many women trust me to find something they wish to grow and nurture in their physical chemistry in their relationships.
You grow as a couple and as individuals by having open conversations with others, but being open to receiving love (from others and ultimately from yourself)
is something that can move mountains.
Take the time to have it. You need to hear yourself say these things.
"I love my XXXX" Write that shit on a post it note and put it on your bathroom mirror.
Force yourself to see it. This will improve your self worth and your awareness of your body.
Now Brooke's take on this is that you can't love yourself if you hate yourself. She says to love your body, you have to find a sort of "happy medium" for this thought process. Your mind will want you to reject the whole "I love my body" idea if you currently think "I hate my body". So let's find that anchor. We can all agree on "I have a body". That's something we can all agree on, right? No matter our physical, mental or emotional obstacles. So if you need to, start there. You have a body. YOU were gifted with a life and a beautiful soul. That's amazing all in itself. Life is literally a daily gift. Whether you're religious or not, it's not a promised thing. We can all agree on that, correct? So celebrate yourself, little by little, step by step, every single day. State your value outloud. "I have two beautiful children that I created with this body." "My lips are naturally full and my husband loves to kiss me." "I have hair that I can style this way or that way to express myself."
Don't forget to love yourself.
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