Ten years ago I did something I never thought I would do, but had yearned over it for years. My heart would ache over the femininity that others claimed for themselves. And there I was, no makeup, no cute accessories... Hell, if I died tomorrow - they'd use my senior portraits and I'd miss my chance to be this sexy goddess that I wanted express and show to the world. I'd been hiding her for too long, and I could feel that woman dying inside. With all MY struggles facing something I knew I TRULY wanted to do for ME, there were a multitude of reasons I didn't want my significant other involved in HIS opinions on this whole deal, either.
PRICE : "This isn’t a hysterectomy, this is something I want to do for myself."
I thought to myself, as I considered...
When was the last time you did something for yourself without any shame involved in it? Why is shame involved for something as little as taking a shower or eating a hot plate of food before serving everyone else just so you don't have to get a drink or paper towel for the children that forgot to do so before they sat down?
So I asked myself then, and now I'll ask you, "When was the last time you really got to treat yourself to something YOU wanted to do?" For most clients, this is a bucket list thing. They plan their sessions. From hair, nails, tan (or just avoiding the tan lines that come with life in the Summer months), makeup, lingerie/wardrobe, sets, etc... this is a life event for my clients to cherish for years to come
... yet we're going to ask permission?
This is an experience to cherish for years to come ...yet we're going to let “price” and “permission” be our determining factors?
Why is it we are so quick to support the goals of our friends, husbands, and children but balk at the cost of pursuing our own?
Newsflash - THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU. But first, let’s talk more about “price” and “permission.”
SELF CONFIDENCE BOOST : I didn’t want his feedback at all, even the smallest amount of it.
I love my husband as the day is long, but he's type A, yet doesn't plan like, at all. He throws five different outfits on and then asks me if he looks good in each one. He's metrosexual and very stylish. Me? I just want to feel good. Looking great is nice but I want to FEEL good.
Sometimes people say things that hurt unintentionally about our bodies or how THEY think we should represent them. I didn't want him to say "Oh! Wear these for your pictures." I wanted this for myself, and I wanted to feel myself represented in them. If he likes them, that's just a bonus. (Spoiler alert, he LOVED my images. They're still in his nightstand 10 years later.)
THE QUESTIONS HE'D HAVE : Who’s photographing these? Someone I trust.
I knew that price and the photographer would be his main concerns for them. He would want to protect me and make sure I went to a confidential, professional photographer. Also, at the time of our marriage and us still pretty newly married, he wouldn't want another man photographing me. Now that he's been to conferences with me, he has a much larger grasp on boudoir and how it empowers women and why I would be willing to shoot with some men, even as a survivor of sexual abuse. For my first session, it took me years to contact the woman I thought I wanted to photograph me. When I finally did, I didn't want someone else to question me over it.
I had been wanting this for at least three years, so I booked it out six months (to lose weight) and ended up gaining weight... but then I thought “No, I can always redo it. What if I get hit by a car tomorrow? I want to be represented before I die.”
I PAID FOR IT MYSELF : How many times has he bought something he wanted without my permission?
And I realize that this is huge for couples, so don't think I'm totally disregarding my husband and our finances when it comes down to every purchase, but with this being a serious top ten (maybe top 5) bucketlist item for me... I wasn't going to have ANY negativity around it. I also didn't have the immediate finances for it, so I saved up and did a payment plan. ... and then I got PayPal credit and upgraded my purchase because I really loved them. I ended up getting them all in my album AND got 6 months no interest from PayPal. WIN WIN WIN!
Ultimately I don’t think this would work for couples that don’t communicate well but I rarely hide anything from my husband. We share locations, lunches, conversations & even dreams. (If I cheat on him in a dream I tell him). That's not to say "If you don't lie to your husband, you don't communicate well, otherwise." My husband knows that if I want to do something, I'm driven and I'll do it. He's not going to stand in the way of it, and I'm not going to stand in the way of him doing as he pleases with his life. WE ALL HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE. LIVE IT AS YOU PLEASE.
My tips for you are this:
Find a photographer you connect with and feel SEEN/HEARD by.
Feel free to ask others about their experience with this photographer.
Let the sticker price shock you, and then get over it and start planning. You can effectively do/afford ANYTHING in life when you plan it out.
Ask questions! "How do you pose? What's your turn around time?"
You should never feel as though you're not being respected and validated. This is an intimate situation.
Other than all the societal bull, me not feeling "woman" enough to do a session, etc., these were the things I knew I had to overcome. I'm so glad I did, and never looked back. But these are the things that I had to overcome in my mind to book my shoot, and it changed my life. I'm not going to say it will change everyone's but I know I would have given up photography a LONG time ago because I would have burnt out my passion for it if it were just simply delivering imagery to clients. Boudoir photography and the self love journey has given me so much purpose in life, and I would be honored to share my passion with you.
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